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26th AMENDMENT SIGNING | MEMORIES

Dad Jokes

These dad jokes are just perfect... perfectly cringeworthy. Dads are the absolute best. Well, er, most of them, anyway. But they tell really terrible jokes, most of the time. This is a stereotype, but it's a stereotype because... it tends to be true. Whether it is puns, one-liners, knock-knock jokes, elaborate stories, or just really painful comedy setups... these jokes are truly awful on a whole other level. And let's face it: dad humor isn't really just for dads... or even just for men! We can all join in on these awful, extreme dad jokes whether we're a parent or a man or not. You'll go through these lists and groan, cringe, moan... but most importantly, you will probably laugh.

Why did the old man fall in the well?
He couldn't see that well.

Do you want to hear a joke about construction?
I'm still working on it.

What did the buffalo say when his son went to the store?
Bison.

How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.

I hate jokes about German sausages.
They're the wurst.

Why did the invisible woman turn down the job offer?
She couldn't see herself doing it.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
It had great food, but no atmosphere.

Two guys walk into a bar.
The third one ducks.

I gave away all my dead batteries today.
They were free of charge.

Why did they name the printer Bob Marley?
It was always jammin'.

I'm so good at sleeping...
...I can do it with my eyes closed.

I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It's the best dam show I've ever seen.

I'm only familiar with 25 of the 26 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why.

What's the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

Did you hear about the kidnapping?
It's okay. She woke up.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom?
The "p" is silent.

How does NASA organize a party?
They planet.

Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it.

I used to hate the idea of facial hair.
Then it grew on me.

Did you hear the joke about camping?
It was in-tents.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was a salted.

I keep trying to tell jokes about retired people, but...
...None of them work.

Don't trust atoms.
They make up everything!

What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

Did you hear the pony who had a sore throat?
He was a little horse.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.

Why don't lobsters give to charity?
They're shellfish.

Wow, this graveyard is so crowded!
People must be dying to get in there.

I'm scared of elevators.
So I think I'll start taking steps to avoid them.

Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda-pressing.

I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.

Wanna hear a joke about paper?
Never mind. It's tearable.

Why do bees hum?
They don't know the words.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired.

How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

How many dead people are buried in that cemetery?
(See the previous answer.)

My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can't read anything on it!

My life's goal is to give every seagul on earth a sample of marijana.
That right. I will leave no tern unstoned.

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my wife's bra off, I've decided to give up!
I wish I'd never put it on now.

Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off?
He's all right now!

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?'

An invisible man married and invisable women.
The kids were nothing to look at.

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.
I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.

I don't trust stairs.
Why? because they're always up to something.

My cat was just sick on the carpet.
I don't think he's feline well.

A red and a blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea.
Apparently the suvivors are marooned.

What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?
An Orca-stra!

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth.
It's pasterized before you even see it!