Kids Say The Darndest Things

Art Linkletter, the radio personality when I was a kid (before television), and the host of House Party on both radio and TV, and the wonderful show, People are Funny, had a segment entitled, Kids Say the Darndest Things. This became one of the most beloved and anticipated show elements. Linkletter, a native of Canada, died at the age of 97 in Los Angeles. The Los Angeles Times included the following in his obituary in May of 2010:

To many baby boomers and their parents who watched his daytime television show “House Party,” Linkletter would always be the perfect straight man who could ask a grade-schooler a simple question like “What does your mommy do?” and elicit this response: “She does a little housework, then sits around all day reading the Racing Form.”

That popular segment from the television show that aired from 1952 to 1970 led to his 1957 bestselling book “Kids Say the Darndest Things” and several sequels.

I'm certain that we have all experienced things that kids say that are based completely on misunderstandings from adults. The following are some that I have found to be amusing.


Kids Say


Tip toe vizmall Pepto Bismol
Vommed (I vommed) Vomited (past tense)
Stunk Skunk
Heart beep Heart beat
Me-rember Remember
I love tuna but I hate tuna FISH  
Ev' Bobbins Restaurant Bob Evans Restaurant
Aminals Animals
Pyre flugg Fire plug
Forehead is called "Father"

From sign of the cross, "In the name of the father" (touch the forehead)
Baby soup OR bacon soup Bathing suit
Holy spill-it Holy Spirit
Our father who does art in heaven,
be thy name
Our father who art in heaven,
be thy name
AFLAC Answer to "what does a duck say?"
Blow me sandwich Bologna sandwich
Rambella Umberella
Chicken with pajamas on Chicken parmesan
Hanitizer Hand Sanitizer
Little girl: "My scrotum hurts" I think you mean: "My sternum hurts"
Tuna piss Tuna fish
Wheezy banana Louisiana
Girl cheese Grilled cheese
Black toast intolerant Lactose intolerant
Collection stand Concession stand
Upalator and downalator Up escalator and down escalator
Egg sausage Exhausted
Piss-a-deared, or just appeared Disappeared
Refrige-a-later Refrigerator (you put things in for later)
Prostitute cancer Prostate cancer
Bless this food that Mom has repaired Bless this food that Mom has prepared
Screw the chicken Skewer the chicken
Arps and craps Arts and crafts
Test-Pickles Testicles
On your mark, get sex, go On your mark, get set, go
Workmen's constipation Workmen's compensation
"The Young and the Rest of Us" "The Young and the Restless"
Buzzlebees Bumble Bees
"Three stripes and you are out" "Three strikes and you are out"
An allergic erection An allergic reaction
"The steak is urinating in the fridge" "The steak is marinating in the fridge"
Dirty clothes hamster Dirty clothes hamper
Lead a snot into temptation Lead us not into temptation
"They are speaking in spinach" "They are speaking in Spanish"
Harmonica Veronica
Pascetti, Scabetti, Biz-getti, Pigs-getty Spaghetti
Bride and broom Bride and groom
Big knockers Binoculars
Ass cream Ice cream
Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord's got a nighty Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God Almighty
Sauce boiled eggs Soft boiled eggs
Mooze me Excuse me
Jumpolines Trampolines
Crotch pots Crock pots
“Holy angels so tender and wild, sleep in
heavenly beast
“Holy infant so tender and mild, sleep in heavenly peace
Baddest Church Baptist Church
Knocked over October
Merry Pissmas Merry Christmas
Crappin Crunch and Yucky Charms Captain Crunch and Lucky Charms
Pork and cheese Portuguese
Runny babbit Bunny rabbit
“The tooster betacked me!” “The rooster attacked me!”
Hairy legs Hilarious
Go tell it on the mountain that Jesus
likes to snore
Go tell it on the mountain, that JesusChrist is born
Checkup's in the fridgefrater in the
Ketchup's in the refrigerator in thekitchen
Fu**y eyed chicken Kentucky fried chicken
Bill the turd Bill the third
Come in Amen
Thirst grade First grade
I pray the Lord my soap to keep I pray the Lord my soul to keep
Ass popper Grasshopper
Doorbell Adorable
Someone at school has headlights Someone at school has head lice
Handcuffs Hiccups
Garlic fever Scarlet fever
Tonsils and hemorroids Tonsils and adenoids
Blast you (when you sneeze) Bless you
President Bacon Ham Lincoln President Abraham Lincoln
Cop porn Popcorn
Wanket Blanket
Helicopter bee Dragonfly
Flutterby Butterfly
Lasagna in the highest Hosanna in the highest
Halibut be thy name Hallowed be thy name
Lead us not into Dalmatians
Lead us not into temptation
The inner neck is down The internet is down
Snow White and the Seven Dorks Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Ducks and raisins Decorations
Lippy tea and Jesus for all
Liberty and justice for all
Sour crap Sauerkraut
Flesh air Fresh air
God is great. God is good. Lettuce thank
him for our food
God is great. God is good. Let us thank him for our food
Dying room Dining room (we have a living room)
Mark and Luke and Jean day Martin Luther King day
A little girl passed gas and told her mother she sneezed in her pants  
Wind diapers Window wipers
Oh well, Oh well Noel, Noel
Police have my dad Feliz Navidad
John maybe tinkled on a shrimp John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
Tore open the shudders and threw out the
Tore open the shutters and threw up thesash!
Head egg Headache
You scared out my daylights You scared the daylights out of me
Un-Biblical chord Umbilical cord
A mother told her daughter they were going to Seattle and she asked, "Mommy, who's Addle?" see Addle
Salami wave Tsunami wave
PeePee PooPoo Peace be with you
Pissy passy understanding Peace that passeth understanding
When a little boy would go potty, he would slam the door and say, “I need my prophecy!" privacy
In the bath day to you Happy Birthday to you
Speed lemon Speed limit
Napoleon with his bones apart Napoleon Bonaparte
Who built the ark? - No one Who built the ark? - Noah
It was Easter Sunday and time for the children's sermon. The pastor called all the children to the front and began with an appropriate question. Can anyone tell me what the resurrection is? After several moments of silence, one little boy ventured a guess. "I'm not really sure", he responded, "but I know that if it lasts longer than 3 hours, you should go to the doctor's office." The boy mistook the word resurrection for a similar sounding word (erection) in a Viagra commercial. The adults laughed for more than 10 minutes!
Penis butter Peanut butter
Through the night with a light from a bulb above

As a child I used to say:

"If you step on a crack, you'll break your Mother's back.
If you step on a line, you'll break your Mother's spine."

(I still tend to avoid cracks and lines. You can never be too careful.)

Return to Memories