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Kids Say The Darndest Things
Art Linkletter, the radio personality when I was a kid (before television), and the host of House Party on both radio and TV, and the wonderful show, People are Funny, had a segment entitled, Kids Say the Darndest Things. This became one of the most beloved and anticipated show elements. Linkletter, a native of Canada, died at the age of 97 in Los Angeles. The Los Angeles Times included the following in his obituary in May of 2010:
To many baby boomers and their parents who watched his daytime television show “House Party,” Linkletter would always be the perfect straight man who could ask a grade-schooler a simple question like “What does your mommy do?” and elicit this response: “She does a little housework, then sits around all day reading the Racing Form.”
That popular segment from the television show that aired from 1952 to 1970 led to his 1957 bestselling book “Kids Say the Darndest Things” and several sequels.
I'm certain that we have all experienced things that kids say that are based completely on misunderstandings from adults. The following are some that I have found to be amusing.
Enjoy!
Kids Say |
Meaning |
|---|---|
| Tip toe vizmall | Pepto Bismol |
| Vommed (I vommed) | Vomited (past tense) |
| Stunk | Skunk |
| Heart beep | Heart beat |
| Me-rember | Remember |
| I love tuna but I hate tuna FISH | |
| Ev' Bobbins Restaurant | Bob Evans Restaurant |
| Aminals | Animals |
| Pyre flugg | Fire plug |
| Forehead is called "Father" |
From sign of the cross, "In the name of the father" (touch the forehead) |
| Baby soup OR bacon soup | Bathing suit |
| Holy spill-it | Holy Spirit |
| Our father who does art in heaven, Harold be thy name |
Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name |
| AFLAC | Answer to "what does a duck say?" |
| Blow me sandwich | Bologna sandwich |
| Rambella | Umberella |
| Chicken with pajamas on | Chicken parmesan |
| Hanitizer | Hand Sanitizer |
| Little girl: "My scrotum hurts" | I think you mean: "My sternum hurts" |
| Tuna piss | Tuna fish |
| Wheezy banana | Louisiana |
| Girl cheese | Grilled cheese |
| Black toast intolerant | Lactose intolerant |
| Collection stand | Concession stand |
| Upalator and downalator | Up escalator and down escalator |
| Egg sausage | Exhausted |
| Piss-a-deared, or just appeared | Disappeared |
| Refrige-a-later | Refrigerator (you put things in for later) |
| Prostitute cancer | Prostate cancer |
| Bless this food that Mom has repaired | Bless this food that Mom has prepared |
| Screw the chicken | Skewer the chicken |
| Arps and craps | Arts and crafts |
| Test-Pickles | Testicles |
| On your mark, get sex, go | On your mark, get set, go |
| Workmen's constipation | Workmen's compensation |
| "The Young and the Rest of Us" | "The Young and the Restless" |
| Buzzlebees | Bumble Bees |
| "Three stripes and you are out" | "Three strikes and you are out" |
| An allergic erection | An allergic reaction |
| "The steak is urinating in the fridge" | "The steak is marinating in the fridge" |
| Dirty clothes hamster | Dirty clothes hamper |
| Lead a snot into temptation | Lead us not into temptation |
| "They are speaking in spinach" | "They are speaking in Spanish" |
| Harmonica | Veronica |
| Pascetti, Scabetti, Biz-getti, Pigs-getty | Spaghetti |
| Bride and broom | Bride and groom |
| Big knockers | Binoculars |
| Ass cream | Ice cream |
| Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord's got a nighty | Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God Almighty |
| Sauce boiled eggs | Soft boiled eggs |
| Mooze me | Excuse me |
| Jumpolines | Trampolines |
| Crotch pots | Crock pots |
| “Holy angels so tender and wild, sleep in heavenly beast” |
“Holy infant so tender and mild, sleep in heavenly peace” |
| Baddest Church | Baptist Church |
| Knocked over | October |
| Merry Pissmas | Merry Christmas |
| Crappin Crunch and Yucky Charms | Captain Crunch and Lucky Charms |
| Pork and cheese | Portuguese |
| Runny babbit | Bunny rabbit |
| “The tooster betacked me!” | “The rooster attacked me!” |
| Hairy legs | Hilarious |
| Go tell it on the mountain that Jesus likes to snore |
Go tell it on the mountain, that Jesus Christ is born |
| Checkup's in the fridgefrater in the chicken |
Ketchup's in the refrigerator in the kitchen |
| Fu**y eyed chicken | Kentucky fried chicken |
| Bill the turd | Bill the third |
| Come in | Amen |
| Thirst grade | First grade |
| I pray the Lord my soap to keep | I pray the Lord my soul to keep |
| Ass popper | Grasshopper |
| Doorbell | Adorable |
| Someone at school has headlights | Someone at school has head lice |
| Handcuffs | Hiccups |
| Garlic fever | Scarlet fever |
| Tonsils and hemorroids | Tonsils and adenoids |
| Blast you (when you sneeze) | Bless you |
| President Bacon Ham Lincoln | President Abraham Lincoln |
| Cop porn | Popcorn |
| Wanket | Blanket |
| Helicopter bee | Dragonfly |
| Flutterby | Butterfly |
| Lasagna in the highest | Hosanna in the highest |
| Halibut be thy name | Hallowed be thy name |
Lead us not into Dalmatians
|
Lead us not into temptation
|
| The inner neck is down | The internet is down |
| Snow White and the Seven Dorks | Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs |
| Ducks and raisins | Decorations |
| Lippy tea and Jesus for all | Liberty and justice for all
|
| Sour crap | Sauerkraut |
| Flesh air | Fresh air |
God is great. God is good.
Lettuce thank him for our food |
God is great. God is good. Let us thank him for our food
|
| Dying room | Dining room (we have a living room) |
| Mark and Luke and Jean day | Martin Luther King day |
| A little girl passed gas and told her mother she sneezed in her pants | |
| Wind diapers | Window wipers |
| Oh well, Oh well | Noel, Noel |
| Police have my dad | Feliz Navidad |
| John maybe tinkled on a shrimp | John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt |
| Tore open the shudders and threw out the trash! |
Tore open the shutters and threw up thesash! |
| Head egg | Headache |
| You scared out my daylights | You scared the daylights out of me |
| Un-Biblical chord | Umbilical cord |
| A mother told her daughter they were going to Seattle and she asked, "Mommy, who's Addle?" | Seattle |
| Salami wave | Tsunami wave |
| PeePee PooPoo | Peace be with you |
| Pissy passy understanding | Peace that passeth understanding |
| When a little boy would go potty, he would slam the door and say, “I need my prophecy!" | privacy |
| In the bath day to you | Happy Birthday to you |
| Speed lemon | Speed limit |
| Napoleon with his bones apart | Napoleon Bonaparte |
| Who built the ark? - No one | Who built the ark? - Noah |
| It was Easter Sunday and time for the children's sermon. The pastor called all the children to the front and began with an appropriate question. Can anyone tell me what the resurrection is? After several moments of silence, one little boy ventured a guess. "I'm not really sure", he responded, "but I know that if it lasts longer than 3 hours, you should go to the doctor's office." | The boy mistook the word resurrection for a similar sounding word (erection) in a Viagra commercial. The adults laughed for more than 10 minutes! |
| Penis butter | Peanut butter |
| Through the night with a light from a bulb | above |
As a child I used to say:
"If you step on a crack, you'll break your Mother's back.
If you step on a line, you'll break your Mother's spine."
(I still tend to avoid cracks and lines. You can never be too careful.)